Home Land Security

Clearly our national security has been a main focus for the last 7 years. After 9/11 our sense of freedom was tarnished. Homeland Security was set in place to ensure that the American people can sleep well at night knowing that terrifying events would not make it to their front steps. Their phones, however, are a different matter. Why are you tapping into my calls to the pizza man?

Homeland Security does need reform, and my policies will surely change its functions. For example, instead of arresting immigrants, we’re going to arrest terrorists. And by terrorists, I mean anyone who disrupts the freedoms of American citizens. I know that this is a very broad description that could very easily include some statesmen, a handful of cable television networks, and the police forces in most major US cities, but we are working on that. I will personally take up the task of writing it over myself. Which is more incredible then you think considering the fact that I’m right handed (and had to learn to write again with my left hand after Desert Storm).

The greatest mistake in the department of Homeland Security, are the people actually being hired for these positions. My new plan will replace all department heads with the fiercest security officers I know: mothers. Have you ever seen the mother of hungry children fight? They go straight for the jugular. Oh yeah.